It’s no secret that being a head coach in the SEC is a demanding job, even for Butch Jones. The Tennessee head coach spent all of last night awake in his office preparing for this weekend’s game against Alabama, and strategizing how to embarrass his own fan base in ways they never saw coming.
“It’s not enough just to get blown out anymore,” said Jones while giving media a sneak peek at his game preparation in his office located in the back of an Arby’s. “I have to figure out a way to make our fans miserable in ways they never even thought possible.” Jones then referenced his whiteboard filled with potential quotes to use during the post-game interview such as ‘We had more fun out there and that’s what counts’ or ‘Our band sounded much better so I count this a victory for us.’
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that John Gruden may be next in line to coach the Volunteers. Reached for comment, Gruden said “I tell you what man, this Butch Jones guy looks like one hell of a coach. He can’t coach at all but he certainly looks like one.”
After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”
It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.
“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.
During Tennessee’s come from behind victory over Georgia Tech, the Volunteers used a trash can on the sidelines to inspire their defense to get turnovers. Now, Butch Jones hopes to do the same with the offense by having one of his coaches hold up a giant toilet bowl on the sidelines every time his team has the bowl.
“Every time I look over on our sidelines and see that giant bowl of shit, it really reminds me of our team’s potential,” said new Tennessee quarterback Quinten Dormady. In accordance with the new team tradition, every time the offense ends a successful drive, either by scoring a long touchdown or just not embarrassing the entire state, an offensive player gets to flush the ball down the toilet.
“I think this is a great tradition for our team, and one the fans can really get behind. Most Tennessee fans have a few empty toilet bowls strewn on their front yard, so it’s super convenient for them to participate at home.”