After a miserable offensive performance last week against Clemson, Gus Malzahn has turned to the only person on the team he can trust – Aubie the Tiger. Starting this week, Aubie will be in the booth calling plays for the Tigers, and keep the rest of the coaching staff far away from any decision making.
“Aubie may be a fictional creature,” said Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs, “but even he would know not to take in one of the nation’s most talented passers and turn him into a spread option quarterback.” It might seem like a desperate move, but for Auburn it’s the only way forward. “Yes, we only lost by one score to one of the best teams of the nation. But, as our fans say, our only hope now is to get Chip Kelly to like us.”
Since taking over as play caller, Aubie has added a lot more pointing, flexing, and dancing to the playbook. It is unclear how these methods will impact the offense, but at least it’s better than giving up 11 sacks.
Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered. We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.
Alabama vs FSU
Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point
Florida vs Michigan
Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed
Tennessee vs Ga Tech
Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic
South Carolina vs NC State
It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter
Texas A&M vs UCLA
Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.
Gus Malzahn is the current(?) head coach of the Auburn Tigers. In his time leading the Tigers, he has seen them go from being one drive away from the National Championship to being pretty bad for three straight years.
Gus began his coaching career in high school where he instilled the values of hard work, faith, and blaming your coordinators. From there he found his way to be offensive coordinator at Auburn in 2009 with a unique offensive scheme dubbed “Wait Until Cam Newton is Your Quarterback and then Win a Championship.” It worked to perfection and Auburn won a National Championship fair and square, no ifs or buts about it.
The 2017 season will mark Malzahn’s fifth year at Auburn, and should give him plenty of time to figure out what high school he will return to coaching at.