Category Archives: SEC East

How Each SEC Fan Base is Getting Ready for Week 1

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One of the things that makes the SEC the best football conference in America, besides of course the total lack of interest in any monetary support for non-football activities, is the unique traditions that each school retains. From War Eagle to running through the T, these traditions make each SEC school special. Except for Arkansas.

What you may not know is that each school also has their own set of traditions for Week 1 of the college football season to help get their fans and players ready for the week ahead. So let’s look at what each SEC fan base is doing this week to get ready for their first game.

Alabama 

In Tuscaloosa, football season doesn’t start until each Bama fan receives a handwritten note from Nick Saban explaining in detail what is expected from them this upcoming year and to pretend to act like their regular season losses matter so no one catches on. If the note isn’t signed, notarized, and returned to Saban by the first game, then he will personally see to it that you aren’t allowed inside Bryant-Denny ever again.

Auburn

Auburn fans are beginning this season the way they always have, by the annual praise of Gus Malzahn as a world class head coach. This of course turns into the annual mid-season tradition of trying to get Gus Malzahn fired. Which then turns into the annual end of the year tradition of desperately hoping Gus Malzahn decides to return next year. If you’ve never visited an Auburn message board to see this tradition occur first hand, it is an absolute must.

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Auburn fans trying to remember whether or not they like Gus

 

Arkansas 

Brett Bielema started a very fun pre-season tradition for Razorback fans, which is when they gather together in mid-August and discuss what it would be like to score more than two touchdowns in a single game. It lets their fans use all of their imagination and really helps them forget about things for awhile.

Florida 

Florida fans start every year with the awe-inspiring tradition of going to YouTube, clicking the search bar, and typing in “Florida Gators 2006-2009 highlights.” Remember when Tim Tebow jumped in the air and threw a pass at the same time? Remember when Gator linebackers practiced proper technique, like when Brandon Spikes tried to rip a Georgia player’s eye out of the socket? Remember when the SEC title games were so intense that your coach might actually die if you lose? Good times, good times

Georgia 

Georgia fans prepare for the upcoming year by spending the entire month of August communicating only through barks. If you’ve never been to Athens in the late summer, you may have never realized this tradition takes place, but it’s a powerful one that culminates in a midnight seance to attempt to speak to past UGAs. So far this year they have not heard from any deceased mascots, but they were able to conjure the ghost of Rodrigo Blankenship.

Kentucky

In Kentucky, football season kicks off when Mark Stoops is able to sneak into John Calipari’s office to find any money laying around that they can use to fund the program for another year. This year, they were able to lure Calipari out of his office by starting a rumor that Drake was thinking of becoming a Duke fan.

LSU 

Tiger fans spend the week leading up to the first game by taking sledgehammers to their livers to prepare their bodies for what they will have to endure this season. Last year, LSU supporters thought their bodies were properly prepared for alcohol consumption during games, but when they saw the product Orgeron put on the field, they knew they were not even close. They hope abusing their livers this week will at least make them numb enough to last through the Miami game.

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LSU fans are ecstatic for another year of Coach O

Mississippi State 

In Starkville, the season begins when fans go to various local music stores to get their cowbells tuned. If the cowbell doesn’t match to the exact tune of a 7-6 season with an appearance in the TaxSlayer Bowl, then it’s not ready and needs to be re-done. The only people qualified to tune an official Mississippi State cowbells are certified professionals who know why it’s called The Egg Bowl.

Missouri

Mizzou fans start the year by daydreaming about how different it all would be if they were still in the Big12 and then by reminding ambivalent SEC fans to not forget that they made it to two Championship games in a row when they first entered the league. The tradition concludes by explaining why they actually have a pretty good shot of beating Vanderbilt and Kentucky this year.

Ole Miss 

There’s a new tradition in Oxford that was started by Hugh Freeze where right before the season begins, Ole Miss fans have to Google whether or not they are eligible for a bowl and how many scholarships they are allowed to have. It may be new, but it is certainly as exciting as any tradition you’ll find throughout the conference.

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Ole Miss fans after they Google their program

Texas A&M

In Aggieland, every day is nothing but a series of endless traditions that have been around for 100 years but seem to have no real meaning or effect. Nevertheless, A&M is as excited to perform them as ever, and Jimbo Fisher is even more excited to find a way to avoid participating in them.

Tennessee

There really is no off-season for football at Tennessee, as the program is just a constant 24/7 crisis whether they are playing games or not. But there is one clear cut sign that football is on it’s way in Knoxville, which is when God sheds a single tear that lands in the Tennessee River and lets Volunteer fans know it’s time to tailgate again.

South Carolina

Football season really kicks off for Gamecock nation when they see their name in the “Also receiving votes” section of the Top 25. That hype is enough to carry them all the way through New Year’s Day when they play in probably the Outback Bowl against probably Iowa.

Vanderbilt

Football season?

 

Can Tennessee’s Trash Can Repeat as Team MVP?

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It’s been a rocky offseason at Tennessee thanks to a hectic coaching search and just generally having to live as a Tennessee fan, but there is some good news for the Vols. As the new season begins, they can depend on the return of last season’s star – the orange and white checkered trash can hoisted by coaches on the sideline.

“After Butch Jones left, we really weren’t sure if the trash can would transfer or not since their relationship was so close; they had basically became one in the same,” said sources close to the trash can. “But once the new regime came in, it was clear that not too much would change and decided to stay and maybe compete for a role in the secondary.”

The checkered trash can was awarded team MVP last year after every other member of the team involuntarily disqualified themselves after their performance on the field. Team officials were prepared to award MVP to Greg Schiano before Clay Travis found out about it and led a groundswell of support to give MVP to the trash can, his biggest fan.

UGA Hoping to Overcome Devastation of Last Season, and Every Season Before That

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As another season dawns in Athens, loyal Bulldog fans are gearing up for high expectations, championship hopes, and an unavoidable soul crushing disappointment. It’s all part of the storied tradition of being a Georgia fan, and while losing the National Championship game to a backup quarterback on the final play might seem like an all-time bummer of a loss to most fan bases, for Georgia it’s just another year.

“Yeah for a while there I thought that maybe we would have a season that didn’t end in complete shock and sadness,” said lifelong Georgia fan Cole Thaton. “But, you know, I guess I was wrong. Hopefully this year we can make all the way to double over time of the National Championship game before everything falls apart.”

Kirby  Smart, meanwhile, is doing his best to turn around fan expectations and get them to believe that it actually is possible for a season to end on a positive, or at least neutral note.

Jim McElwain Excited to Begin New Career Racing Sharks on Discovery Channel

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After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.

“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.

Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.

Butch Jones Up All Night Scouting Ways to Humiliate Tennessee Fans Even More

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It’s no secret that being a head coach in the SEC is a demanding job, even for Butch Jones. The Tennessee head coach spent all of last night awake in his office preparing for this weekend’s game against Alabama, and strategizing how to embarrass his own fan base in ways they never saw coming.

“It’s not enough just to get blown out anymore,” said Jones while giving media a sneak peek at his game preparation in his office located in the back of an Arby’s. “I have to figure out a way to make our fans miserable in ways they never even thought possible.” Jones then referenced his whiteboard filled with potential quotes to use during the post-game interview such as ‘We had more fun out there and that’s what counts’ or ‘Our band sounded much better so I count this a victory for us.’

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that John Gruden may be next in line to coach the Volunteers. Reached for comment, Gruden said “I tell you what man, this Butch Jones guy looks like one hell of a coach. He can’t coach at all but he certainly looks like one.”

Georgia Fans Not Quite Sure What the Round, Circular Number In Loss Column Is

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After a surprising 6-0 start, the Georgia Bulldogs have become the talk of the SEC. However, there is still a group of people who are unsure what to make of the season.  Many Bulldog fans have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out what exactly that number is at the end of their record.

“Usually by the time October rolls around we see the number 2 or at least the number 1,” said UGA fan Trey Socks. “But numbers don’t get lower than that, right? I don’t know what else it could be.” The fact that Georgia might be a really good team still hasn’t dawned on many fans, some of whom are still expecting them to lose to Vanderbilt despite the fact UGA beat them 45-14 just last week.

“Yeah, winning is great, but I just can’t shake the feeling that the better this season starts, the worse it will end,” said Trey. “Honestly I kind of hope we lose to Missouri so I can get my life back on schedule. I spend every weekday refreshing the Top 25 every few seconds to see if they make any changes. They only update it on Sundays but I like to check on it to make sure.”

Missouri Doesn’t Show Up To SEC Game, Hopes No One Notices

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After a few tough years in a row, the University of Missouri has decided their best strategy is to just not show up to any conference games and hope people forget about them. “It’s called the George Costanza strategy,” said Mizzou athletic director Jim Sterk. “If we just show up to Big 12 games and skip all of our SEC opponents, maybe people will forget this whole thing ever happened.”

It wasn’t always this bad, when Missouri first joined the SEC they made it to two straight conference title games in Atlanta, but things quickly took a turn for the worse. “We won the East two years in a row and thought ‘well this doesn’t seem right.’ But it turns out not winning games is a lot less fun.”

The Tigers hope to one day return to their glory days, back when opposing fans remembered they existed and TV announcers could remember who their coach is. Unfortunately, those days are long gone, but by not showing up to play, Missouri has its best chance of conference success all year.

South Carolina Fans Fondly Remember the Two Weeks They Thought They Were Decent

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After bad loss against Kentucky and a rough one point victory over LA Tech, South Carolina fans couldn’t help but reminisce on the glorious two weeks at the beginning of the season when they thought their team might be alright. “I’ll always remember watching College Gameday after week one and that Kurt Herbie fella said ‘Could South Carolina be a sleeper team in the East?’ and I almost fell out of my chair,” said longtime Gamecock fan Jeeter Sockton. “Now we’re lucky if Paul Finebaum even remembers who we play this week.”

Things looked promising for the Gamecocks at the beginning with big wins over NC State and Missouri, but then head coach Will Muschamp found his groove and South Carolina got beat by Kentucky and looked awful against LA Tech. “I was worried that our season was going a different direction than what our fans expected,” said Muschamp. “So we used that Kentucky game to let everyone know we are right on track.”

From here, Muschamp plans to lose about four or five more games and play just good enough in their December bowl game that fans can’ be too upset. “We don’t want to rock the boat by doing anything crazy like winning SEC games. We’ll just float along, beat Missouri once a year and be just fine.”

Gators Prepare to Run Hail Mary Only Offense

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After shocking Tennesse on the final play of the game with a 60-yard touchdown pass for the win, Jim McElwain and the Florida Gators have decided to install a full Hail Mary only offense ahead of this weekend’s game against Kentucky. It may seem like a risky strategy, but for the Gators, it’s about the only real thing they’ve proven they can do.

“I tried running a balanced offense with route patterns and run schemes, but that didn’t seem to work,” said offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. “So now I’m just gonna tell Tyrie Cleveland to run really fast and tell Feleipe Franks to throw it really long, and we’ll just see what happens.” The Gators are calling it the jailbreak offense in honor of all of their suspended players.

Meanwhile, Kentucky coach Mark Stoops is fully aware of the Gator’s plan to score points on Saturday and has a plan to stop it. “I mean as long as we don’t completely shit our pants and run the wrong direction like Tennessee did, I think we’ll be OK.”

Governor Issues State of Emergency for Those Planning to Watch Florida vs Tennessee

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After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”

 

It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.

 

“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.

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