After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.
“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.
Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.
It’s no secret that being a head coach in the SEC is a demanding job, even for Butch Jones. The Tennessee head coach spent all of last night awake in his office preparing for this weekend’s game against Alabama, and strategizing how to embarrass his own fan base in ways they never saw coming.
“It’s not enough just to get blown out anymore,” said Jones while giving media a sneak peek at his game preparation in his office located in the back of an Arby’s. “I have to figure out a way to make our fans miserable in ways they never even thought possible.” Jones then referenced his whiteboard filled with potential quotes to use during the post-game interview such as ‘We had more fun out there and that’s what counts’ or ‘Our band sounded much better so I count this a victory for us.’
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that John Gruden may be next in line to coach the Volunteers. Reached for comment, Gruden said “I tell you what man, this Butch Jones guy looks like one hell of a coach. He can’t coach at all but he certainly looks like one.”
After a surprising 6-0 start, the Georgia Bulldogs have become the talk of the SEC. However, there is still a group of people who are unsure what to make of the season. Many Bulldog fans have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out what exactly that number is at the end of their record.
“Usually by the time October rolls around we see the number 2 or at least the number 1,” said UGA fan Trey Socks. “But numbers don’t get lower than that, right? I don’t know what else it could be.” The fact that Georgia might be a really good team still hasn’t dawned on many fans, some of whom are still expecting them to lose to Vanderbilt despite the fact UGA beat them 45-14 just last week.
“Yeah, winning is great, but I just can’t shake the feeling that the better this season starts, the worse it will end,” said Trey. “Honestly I kind of hope we lose to Missouri so I can get my life back on schedule. I spend every weekday refreshing the Top 25 every few seconds to see if they make any changes. They only update it on Sundays but I like to check on it to make sure.”
After a few tough years in a row, the University of Missouri has decided their best strategy is to just not show up to any conference games and hope people forget about them. “It’s called the George Costanza strategy,” said Mizzou athletic director Jim Sterk. “If we just show up to Big 12 games and skip all of our SEC opponents, maybe people will forget this whole thing ever happened.”
It wasn’t always this bad, when Missouri first joined the SEC they made it to two straight conference title games in Atlanta, but things quickly took a turn for the worse. “We won the East two years in a row and thought ‘well this doesn’t seem right.’ But it turns out not winning games is a lot less fun.”
The Tigers hope to one day return to their glory days, back when opposing fans remembered they existed and TV announcers could remember who their coach is. Unfortunately, those days are long gone, but by not showing up to play, Missouri has its best chance of conference success all year.
After bad loss against Kentucky and a rough one point victory over LA Tech, South Carolina fans couldn’t help but reminisce on the glorious two weeks at the beginning of the season when they thought their team might be alright. “I’ll always remember watching College Gameday after week one and that Kurt Herbie fella said ‘Could South Carolina be a sleeper team in the East?’ and I almost fell out of my chair,” said longtime Gamecock fan Jeeter Sockton. “Now we’re lucky if Paul Finebaum even remembers who we play this week.”
Things looked promising for the Gamecocks at the beginning with big wins over NC State and Missouri, but then head coach Will Muschamp found his groove and South Carolina got beat by Kentucky and looked awful against LA Tech. “I was worried that our season was going a different direction than what our fans expected,” said Muschamp. “So we used that Kentucky game to let everyone know we are right on track.”
From here, Muschamp plans to lose about four or five more games and play just good enough in their December bowl game that fans can’ be too upset. “We don’t want to rock the boat by doing anything crazy like winning SEC games. We’ll just float along, beat Missouri once a year and be just fine.”
After shocking Tennesse on the final play of the game with a 60-yard touchdown pass for the win, Jim McElwain and the Florida Gators have decided to install a full Hail Mary only offense ahead of this weekend’s game against Kentucky. It may seem like a risky strategy, but for the Gators, it’s about the only real thing they’ve proven they can do.
“I tried running a balanced offense with route patterns and run schemes, but that didn’t seem to work,” said offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. “So now I’m just gonna tell Tyrie Cleveland to run really fast and tell Feleipe Franks to throw it really long, and we’ll just see what happens.” The Gators are calling it the jailbreak offense in honor of all of their suspended players.
Meanwhile, Kentucky coach Mark Stoops is fully aware of the Gator’s plan to score points on Saturday and has a plan to stop it. “I mean as long as we don’t completely shit our pants and run the wrong direction like Tennessee did, I think we’ll be OK.”
After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”
It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.
“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.