Next Saturday, ESPN’s College Gameday will be coming to Oxford, Mississippi where it will set up outside a courthouse in anticipation of what should be an epic battle between university lawyers and NCAA investigators. It’s the matchup many Ole Miss fans have waited years to see, and can hardly believe is finally here.
“It’s just so great to finally be back,” said host Kirk Herbstreit as he looked up insults on his phone to call Chris Petersen. “It seemed like all of Ole Miss’s big games the last few years were leading up to this big moment, so we had to be here. Plus the chances of us ever covering a real football game here are less than zero after this season.”
Meanwhile, Ole Miss fans are excited to be back in the national spotlight. “It’s just great that people are talking about us again,” said Ole Miss fan Sunny Benson. “I honestly forgot we even had a football team this year, and there’s no way I could even tell you what the name of our coach is.” It is rumored that at the end of the broadcast, all of the Gameday hosts will pick the NCAA to win the matchup, except Lee Corso who plans to put on a headgear that is accidentally and extremely racist.
All of Lousiana was shocked and disturbed following LSU’s defeat to Troy at home last week. However, there was one person who didn’t seem to bothered by it: head coach Ed Orgeron. That’s because Orgeron remains convinced that the red colored team from the state of Alabama that beat him was the Crimson Tide. Unfortunately, no one on the team has had the guts to tell him who they really were.
“We gave a great effort out there and I’m so proud of my guys, it’s just tough to compete with a team like that,” said Orgeron after the Troy game. “We tried our best, but when the other team so clearly has the better athletes and coaching staff, there’s only so much you can do.” The coach even told his players in the locker room post-game speech to expect to see that team again in the playoffs.
Why hasn’t anyone at LSU corrected Ed Orgeron yet? “We just feel that, at this point, the less he knows about what’s going on the better,” said athletic director Joe Alleva. “I told him that next week we’re going to Florida to play the Jaguars, and then we have a bye week to prepare for Golden State.”
During last night’s Alabama football radio call-in show with head coach Nick Saban, Coach Saban took the opportunity to ridicule a small child for calling in and asking a bad question. “I don’t have time to entertain your ridiculous questions,” Saban told 8-year-old Tommy Chaire. “This game against Vanderbilt is more important than anything that has happened in your insignificant little life, and I would appreciate you showing a bit more respect.”
The question Tommy asked that prompted this response seemed to be an innocent one: “Coach Saban, how many touchdowns do you think we will score this week?” But the coach did not seem to take it so innocently. “Do you think it’s just easy to score touchdowns? Have you ever watched a football game in your damn life?”
The call-in show usually lasts an hour, but Saban walked off the set of the show after just 20 minutes because he was so aggravated by the child’s question. Saban then drove to Tommy’s parent’s house to continue to berate the boy in person. “Sorry, but we’re trying to beat Vanderbilt here,” Saban told Tommy’s mom and dad. “And if we win by anything less than 50 points than it will be your child’s fault.”
After recovering from the aftermath of a 37-7 beatdown from Mississippi State, many LSU fans woke up Monday morning to a stark realization: their head coach is Ed Orgeron. “Wait, he’s that guy that coached at Ole Miss and then got fired for being terrible, right?” said one LSU fan on the Tiger Droppings message boards. “I knew he looked familiar.”
But it’s not just shock LSU fans are experiencing, many Tiger fans are feeling deceived. “How come we’re just finding out now that Ed Orgeron is the head coach?” another post read. “Shouldn’t there have been like a press conference or something. I gotta admit I never looked it up since things were going pretty OK for the first few weeks, but I just assumed we got Jimbo Fisher to coach.”
Some Tiger fans did what they could to ease the pain of others, but to no avail. “At least he’s only the interim coach….oh wait….SHIT. What did we do?” As more and more LSU fans remember who Ed Orgeron is, the task of turning around the team will get harder. Of course, with Danny Etling at quarterback, it doesn’t matter anyways.
After squeaking out a 24-14 win over Nicholls State last week, Texas A&M made a statement to the rest of the world that if you’re a Division II or FCS football team, you better be real careful about playing the Aggies. “Sure, people made fun of us last week for losing a 30-point second half lead,” said A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. “But I think this 10 point win over a mediocre FCS team proves that we are back.”
Nicholls State, on the other hand, left College Station with some big questions to grapple with. “I mean, if we can’t get over the hump against Texas A&M, how are we gonna fare once we start playing real teams?” said Nicholls State’s head coach, whose name was not available online.
Some people may say that Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat, but a one game winning streak over FCS teams in 2017 may be just the ticket Sumlin needs to land a job coaching receivers at UTEP next year.
After a miserable offensive performance last week against Clemson, Gus Malzahn has turned to the only person on the team he can trust – Aubie the Tiger. Starting this week, Aubie will be in the booth calling plays for the Tigers, and keep the rest of the coaching staff far away from any decision making.
“Aubie may be a fictional creature,” said Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs, “but even he would know not to take in one of the nation’s most talented passers and turn him into a spread option quarterback.” It might seem like a desperate move, but for Auburn it’s the only way forward. “Yes, we only lost by one score to one of the best teams of the nation. But, as our fans say, our only hope now is to get Chip Kelly to like us.”
Since taking over as play caller, Aubie has added a lot more pointing, flexing, and dancing to the playbook. It is unclear how these methods will impact the offense, but at least it’s better than giving up 11 sacks.
After excitedly buying the Blu-ray of the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition, Kevin Sumlin fell asleep with just twenty minutes left in the movie. “I thought my effort in the first half of the movie was great – I was really alert and defied a lot of expectations. Unfortunately, in the last part of the movie, I just let it slip away from me,” Sumlin said as he somberly addressed his family the next morning.
The recent incident is just one of many similar situations Sumlin has found himself in recently. Last fall, Sumlin binge watched all of Stranger Things in one day and was on a roll. Many thought it would be a monumental achievement for him, but right before the season finale, he dozed off and left the series unfinished.
The Sumlin situation has gotten so bad that a member of the Texas A&M Board of Regents took to Facebook to complain. “If Kevin Sumlin can’t finish Lord of the Rings even with a huge head start, I don’t know why we continue to pay his HBO Go membership.”