Author Archives: Houston Barber

Meet The Coaches: Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M

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Jimbo Fisher is leading the Aggies into the 2021 season, with high expectations in his fourth year as head coach in College Station. Smart A&M fans will know that it was in Jimbo’s fourth year at FSU that he won a National Championship. But even smarter A&M fans will know what happened the following four years in Tallahassee.

The Aggies finished the 2020 season with 8 consecutive victories, an Orange Bowl win, and even more false hope they’ll somehow beat Alabama next time they play. Jimbo is known as quarterback genius who works tirelessly to turn highly touted recruits into second and third string backups in the NFL.

Can Jimbo finally get A&M over the hump and become the first Saban assistant to beat his old boss? Will he crumble under the pressure and send another proud program into the dumps? Either way, he’s got hundreds of millions of dollars of Texas oil money so it doesn’t really matter.

Meet The Coaches: Mike Leach, Mississippi State

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Leading the Bulldogs into the 2021 season is true southerner Mike Leach. Coach Leach is looking to follow up on a respectable 4-7 season by doing something no one thought he could do: go two full years without getting fired for tweeting something insane.

Coach Leach comes to Starkville by way of Washington State and Texas Tech, where he revolutionized ways to design offenses and various ways to blow double digit leads. Coming from the Pac12, many thought it would take awhile for Leach to adjust to faster defenses and a fan base that pays attention to what he does. But Leach showed he was more than capable of taking on the challenge with huge wins over LSU and…well that’s about it, but boy remember when they beat LSU? That was crazy

As always, when Mike Leach is at the helm you know you’re going to be in for a wild ride, which is great news for both Bulldog fans and fans that want to see Mississippi State crash and burn.

“Who would spend billions each year just to lose?” says Texas A&M fan watching events in Afghansitan

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Some people just aren’t used to losing, especially Jay Browser from College Station, Texas. As a lifelong Aggie fan, Jay was appalled to see the United States accept defeat in Afghanistan after decades of spending billions of dollars to seemingly accomplish nothing.

“How can people be willing to allow an institution to spend so much money only to continually get defeated?” said Browser as he mailed in his $5,000 annual booster fee to A&M athletics. “What are we even spending it on over there? New uniforms? Better equipment? Nothing that will actually help us win,” Browser continued.

Whether Browser was still talking about the United States military at that point was uncertain.

About Us

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Just like most of Alabama’s championships, this website is not real. SEC Everywhere is a parody college football site that offers the best satire for everywhere between College Station and Gainesville. Whether you’re a fan of the SEC, or love to hate him, you will find plenty of things to enjoy here.

Follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and stay tuned as we grow our site and hopefully one day annoy the hell out of Clay Travis.

This site is founded and solely operated by Houston Barber. You can follow him here.

If you’d like to reach out or send various threats, you can do so at hbarber17@gmail.com

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Hundreds of Translators Being Flown in to Help LSU and Miami Fans Communicate

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Before the big week one matchup between LSU and Miami in Texas, local and state officials have been brainstorming on how to prepare for a potentially massive problem. How will Miami fans and LSU fans communicate with their deep, deep difference in culture and language? That’s why Texas governor Greg Abbott sent in a call to FEMA this week to send a contingent of supplies along with hundreds of translators.

“Our country hasn’t experienced a crisis like this since Alabama played against West Virginia in Atlanta,” said Governor Abbott. “That game ended with Bama fans screaming Rammer Jammer into a pile of burning couches so we can only hope this goes better.” The plan is to station a translator outside of every entrance to the game, as well as every restaurant in Dallas that sells corn dogs and nightclubs that play Pitbull.

Coach O had a lot to say about the matter, but unfortunately his translator had not yet arrived so his comments are unknown at this time.

How Each SEC Fan Base is Getting Ready for Week 1

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One of the things that makes the SEC the best football conference in America, besides of course the total lack of interest in any monetary support for non-football activities, is the unique traditions that each school retains. From War Eagle to running through the T, these traditions make each SEC school special. Except for Arkansas.

What you may not know is that each school also has their own set of traditions for Week 1 of the college football season to help get their fans and players ready for the week ahead. So let’s look at what each SEC fan base is doing this week to get ready for their first game.

Alabama 

In Tuscaloosa, football season doesn’t start until each Bama fan receives a handwritten note from Nick Saban explaining in detail what is expected from them this upcoming year and to pretend to act like their regular season losses matter so no one catches on. If the note isn’t signed, notarized, and returned to Saban by the first game, then he will personally see to it that you aren’t allowed inside Bryant-Denny ever again.

Auburn

Auburn fans are beginning this season the way they always have, by the annual praise of Gus Malzahn as a world class head coach. This of course turns into the annual mid-season tradition of trying to get Gus Malzahn fired. Which then turns into the annual end of the year tradition of desperately hoping Gus Malzahn decides to return next year. If you’ve never visited an Auburn message board to see this tradition occur first hand, it is an absolute must.

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Auburn fans trying to remember whether or not they like Gus

 

Arkansas 

Brett Bielema started a very fun pre-season tradition for Razorback fans, which is when they gather together in mid-August and discuss what it would be like to score more than two touchdowns in a single game. It lets their fans use all of their imagination and really helps them forget about things for awhile.

Florida 

Florida fans start every year with the awe-inspiring tradition of going to YouTube, clicking the search bar, and typing in “Florida Gators 2006-2009 highlights.” Remember when Tim Tebow jumped in the air and threw a pass at the same time? Remember when Gator linebackers practiced proper technique, like when Brandon Spikes tried to rip a Georgia player’s eye out of the socket? Remember when the SEC title games were so intense that your coach might actually die if you lose? Good times, good times

Georgia 

Georgia fans prepare for the upcoming year by spending the entire month of August communicating only through barks. If you’ve never been to Athens in the late summer, you may have never realized this tradition takes place, but it’s a powerful one that culminates in a midnight seance to attempt to speak to past UGAs. So far this year they have not heard from any deceased mascots, but they were able to conjure the ghost of Rodrigo Blankenship.

Kentucky

In Kentucky, football season kicks off when Mark Stoops is able to sneak into John Calipari’s office to find any money laying around that they can use to fund the program for another year. This year, they were able to lure Calipari out of his office by starting a rumor that Drake was thinking of becoming a Duke fan.

LSU 

Tiger fans spend the week leading up to the first game by taking sledgehammers to their livers to prepare their bodies for what they will have to endure this season. Last year, LSU supporters thought their bodies were properly prepared for alcohol consumption during games, but when they saw the product Orgeron put on the field, they knew they were not even close. They hope abusing their livers this week will at least make them numb enough to last through the Miami game.

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LSU fans are ecstatic for another year of Coach O

Mississippi State 

In Starkville, the season begins when fans go to various local music stores to get their cowbells tuned. If the cowbell doesn’t match to the exact tune of a 7-6 season with an appearance in the TaxSlayer Bowl, then it’s not ready and needs to be re-done. The only people qualified to tune an official Mississippi State cowbells are certified professionals who know why it’s called The Egg Bowl.

Missouri

Mizzou fans start the year by daydreaming about how different it all would be if they were still in the Big12 and then by reminding ambivalent SEC fans to not forget that they made it to two Championship games in a row when they first entered the league. The tradition concludes by explaining why they actually have a pretty good shot of beating Vanderbilt and Kentucky this year.

Ole Miss 

There’s a new tradition in Oxford that was started by Hugh Freeze where right before the season begins, Ole Miss fans have to Google whether or not they are eligible for a bowl and how many scholarships they are allowed to have. It may be new, but it is certainly as exciting as any tradition you’ll find throughout the conference.

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Ole Miss fans after they Google their program

Texas A&M

In Aggieland, every day is nothing but a series of endless traditions that have been around for 100 years but seem to have no real meaning or effect. Nevertheless, A&M is as excited to perform them as ever, and Jimbo Fisher is even more excited to find a way to avoid participating in them.

Tennessee

There really is no off-season for football at Tennessee, as the program is just a constant 24/7 crisis whether they are playing games or not. But there is one clear cut sign that football is on it’s way in Knoxville, which is when God sheds a single tear that lands in the Tennessee River and lets Volunteer fans know it’s time to tailgate again.

South Carolina

Football season really kicks off for Gamecock nation when they see their name in the “Also receiving votes” section of the Top 25. That hype is enough to carry them all the way through New Year’s Day when they play in probably the Outback Bowl against probably Iowa.

Vanderbilt

Football season?

 

Jimbo Fisher Brainstorming Ways to Discreetly Ask Urban Meyer How to Delete Text Messages

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When reports came out that Urban Meyer sought to delete old text messages from his phone before handing it over to Ohio State investigators, most everyone was appalled. But in College Station, Texas, there was one man who was more than intrigued.

“I never knew there was a way to delete old text messages,” said Jimbo Fisher while half-heartedly participating in another pointless Texas A&M tradition. “I just have always tried to encrypt messages by talking really fast.” Fisher has been under scrutiny recently after a former player accused him of illegally paying players, creating an unsafe practice environment, and not properly disposing Christmas trees.

Ever since seeing Urban’s press conference, Fisher has been brainstorming subtle ways to communicate with the Ohio State coach and ask what exactly he needs to do to get rid of any incriminating text messages. When others in his staff have suggested to just Google it, Jimbo responded by saying, “That’s way too easy. The only way to accomplish something is by creating as many complications as possible.”

Can Tennessee’s Trash Can Repeat as Team MVP?

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It’s been a rocky offseason at Tennessee thanks to a hectic coaching search and just generally having to live as a Tennessee fan, but there is some good news for the Vols. As the new season begins, they can depend on the return of last season’s star – the orange and white checkered trash can hoisted by coaches on the sideline.

“After Butch Jones left, we really weren’t sure if the trash can would transfer or not since their relationship was so close; they had basically became one in the same,” said sources close to the trash can. “But once the new regime came in, it was clear that not too much would change and decided to stay and maybe compete for a role in the secondary.”

The checkered trash can was awarded team MVP last year after every other member of the team involuntarily disqualified themselves after their performance on the field. Team officials were prepared to award MVP to Greg Schiano before Clay Travis found out about it and led a groundswell of support to give MVP to the trash can, his biggest fan.

UGA Hoping to Overcome Devastation of Last Season, and Every Season Before That

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As another season dawns in Athens, loyal Bulldog fans are gearing up for high expectations, championship hopes, and an unavoidable soul crushing disappointment. It’s all part of the storied tradition of being a Georgia fan, and while losing the National Championship game to a backup quarterback on the final play might seem like an all-time bummer of a loss to most fan bases, for Georgia it’s just another year.

“Yeah for a while there I thought that maybe we would have a season that didn’t end in complete shock and sadness,” said lifelong Georgia fan Cole Thaton. “But, you know, I guess I was wrong. Hopefully this year we can make all the way to double over time of the National Championship game before everything falls apart.”

Kirby  Smart, meanwhile, is doing his best to turn around fan expectations and get them to believe that it actually is possible for a season to end on a positive, or at least neutral note.

Jim McElwain Excited to Begin New Career Racing Sharks on Discovery Channel

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After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.

“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.

Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.

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