After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.
“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.
Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.
It’s no secret that being a head coach in the SEC is a demanding job, even for Butch Jones. The Tennessee head coach spent all of last night awake in his office preparing for this weekend’s game against Alabama, and strategizing how to embarrass his own fan base in ways they never saw coming.
“It’s not enough just to get blown out anymore,” said Jones while giving media a sneak peek at his game preparation in his office located in the back of an Arby’s. “I have to figure out a way to make our fans miserable in ways they never even thought possible.” Jones then referenced his whiteboard filled with potential quotes to use during the post-game interview such as ‘We had more fun out there and that’s what counts’ or ‘Our band sounded much better so I count this a victory for us.’
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that John Gruden may be next in line to coach the Volunteers. Reached for comment, Gruden said “I tell you what man, this Butch Jones guy looks like one hell of a coach. He can’t coach at all but he certainly looks like one.”
Next Saturday, ESPN’s College Gameday will be coming to Oxford, Mississippi where it will set up outside a courthouse in anticipation of what should be an epic battle between university lawyers and NCAA investigators. It’s the matchup many Ole Miss fans have waited years to see, and can hardly believe is finally here.
“It’s just so great to finally be back,” said host Kirk Herbstreit as he looked up insults on his phone to call Chris Petersen. “It seemed like all of Ole Miss’s big games the last few years were leading up to this big moment, so we had to be here. Plus the chances of us ever covering a real football game here are less than zero after this season.”
Meanwhile, Ole Miss fans are excited to be back in the national spotlight. “It’s just great that people are talking about us again,” said Ole Miss fan Sunny Benson. “I honestly forgot we even had a football team this year, and there’s no way I could even tell you what the name of our coach is.” It is rumored that at the end of the broadcast, all of the Gameday hosts will pick the NCAA to win the matchup, except Lee Corso who plans to put on a headgear that is accidentally and extremely racist.
After a surprising 6-0 start, the Georgia Bulldogs have become the talk of the SEC. However, there is still a group of people who are unsure what to make of the season. Many Bulldog fans have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out what exactly that number is at the end of their record.
“Usually by the time October rolls around we see the number 2 or at least the number 1,” said UGA fan Trey Socks. “But numbers don’t get lower than that, right? I don’t know what else it could be.” The fact that Georgia might be a really good team still hasn’t dawned on many fans, some of whom are still expecting them to lose to Vanderbilt despite the fact UGA beat them 45-14 just last week.
“Yeah, winning is great, but I just can’t shake the feeling that the better this season starts, the worse it will end,” said Trey. “Honestly I kind of hope we lose to Missouri so I can get my life back on schedule. I spend every weekday refreshing the Top 25 every few seconds to see if they make any changes. They only update it on Sundays but I like to check on it to make sure.”
All of Lousiana was shocked and disturbed following LSU’s defeat to Troy at home last week. However, there was one person who didn’t seem to bothered by it: head coach Ed Orgeron. That’s because Orgeron remains convinced that the red colored team from the state of Alabama that beat him was the Crimson Tide. Unfortunately, no one on the team has had the guts to tell him who they really were.
“We gave a great effort out there and I’m so proud of my guys, it’s just tough to compete with a team like that,” said Orgeron after the Troy game. “We tried our best, but when the other team so clearly has the better athletes and coaching staff, there’s only so much you can do.” The coach even told his players in the locker room post-game speech to expect to see that team again in the playoffs.
Why hasn’t anyone at LSU corrected Ed Orgeron yet? “We just feel that, at this point, the less he knows about what’s going on the better,” said athletic director Joe Alleva. “I told him that next week we’re going to Florida to play the Jaguars, and then we have a bye week to prepare for Golden State.”
After a few tough years in a row, the University of Missouri has decided their best strategy is to just not show up to any conference games and hope people forget about them. “It’s called the George Costanza strategy,” said Mizzou athletic director Jim Sterk. “If we just show up to Big 12 games and skip all of our SEC opponents, maybe people will forget this whole thing ever happened.”
It wasn’t always this bad, when Missouri first joined the SEC they made it to two straight conference title games in Atlanta, but things quickly took a turn for the worse. “We won the East two years in a row and thought ‘well this doesn’t seem right.’ But it turns out not winning games is a lot less fun.”
The Tigers hope to one day return to their glory days, back when opposing fans remembered they existed and TV announcers could remember who their coach is. Unfortunately, those days are long gone, but by not showing up to play, Missouri has its best chance of conference success all year.
After bad loss against Kentucky and a rough one point victory over LA Tech, South Carolina fans couldn’t help but reminisce on the glorious two weeks at the beginning of the season when they thought their team might be alright. “I’ll always remember watching College Gameday after week one and that Kurt Herbie fella said ‘Could South Carolina be a sleeper team in the East?’ and I almost fell out of my chair,” said longtime Gamecock fan Jeeter Sockton. “Now we’re lucky if Paul Finebaum even remembers who we play this week.”
Things looked promising for the Gamecocks at the beginning with big wins over NC State and Missouri, but then head coach Will Muschamp found his groove and South Carolina got beat by Kentucky and looked awful against LA Tech. “I was worried that our season was going a different direction than what our fans expected,” said Muschamp. “So we used that Kentucky game to let everyone know we are right on track.”
From here, Muschamp plans to lose about four or five more games and play just good enough in their December bowl game that fans can’ be too upset. “We don’t want to rock the boat by doing anything crazy like winning SEC games. We’ll just float along, beat Missouri once a year and be just fine.”