Category Archives: Meet the Coaches

Meet the Coaches: Matt Luke, Ole Miss

The 2017 Ole Rebels are coached by Matt Luke, just as God in his infinite wisdom intended. Matt Luke is more than ready to take on the role of head coach after learning from Hugh Freeze exactly how to ……..[REDACTED]……….

Luke is an alumnus of Ole Miss and played quarterback for the Rebels during whatever the opposite of Glory Days is. He then went on to become the Offensive Line coach for Ole Miss under Hugh Freeze; protecting both the quarterback and his own name from NCAA investigations.

Matt Luke plans to make the most of his few months in Oxford as head coach by making sure he’s a name you only barely remember a few years from now.

Meet the Coaches: Bret Bielema, Arkansas

The Arkansas Razorbacks are coached by true southerner Bret Bielema. Bielema is a one-of-a-kind coach in the SEC, known for his brash style off the field and his extremely boring style on it. In his five years with the Razorbacks, Bielema has proudly led his team to not last place on more than one occasion.

Bielema formerly was the head coach of Wisconsin, before he wisely decided to trade in competitive seasons and New Years Day bowls for the opportunity to lose to Alabama by less than 30 points a few times. Through his experience at Wisconsin, Bielema was able to bring to Arkansas the signature Big 10 styles of play such as run heavy offenses and embarrassing losses to SEC teams.

In his fifth year at Arkansas, Bielema is ecstatic for the chance to remind the SEC that his team is not as bad Vanderbilt or Mississippi State.

Meet the Coaches: Nick Saban, Alabama

Before all the national championships and multi-million dollar contracts, Nick Saban was just a little boy from Fairmont, West Virginia that would make his teachers cry with fear at the thought of reprimanding him. Mr. Saban, as he was known by his close childhood friends, would love to spend his Recess scolding fellow classmates for improper foursquare techniques. As he got older, Saban’s parents recognized the remarkable abilities their son had and decided to guide him towards a career that would truly improve the lives of the people of West Virginia, coaching football.

Prior to becoming Head Coach at Alabama, you might be surprised to know that Nick Saban coached at a few other, much lesser program. He was first hired at Toledo, but left during halftime of their first game when he heard Michigan State might be hiring. At Michigan State, Saban had a few good seasons, but prevented the Spartans from being too good in order to keep anyone from thinking the Big 10 was a real football conference.

Nick Saban first entered the SEC as head coach of LSU and actually tried to coach for real. He promptly won a National Championship. A few years later, Saban once again left town. This time, to coach the Miami Dolphins where he smartly decided to not do a very good job so that Alabama would hire him. Today, Saban is 100% fully committed to the people of Alabama and will never, ever, leave them.

Meet the Coaches: Gus Malzahn, Auburn

Gus Malzahn is the current(?) head coach of the Auburn Tigers. In his time leading the Tigers, he has seen them go from being one drive away from the National Championship to being pretty bad for three straight years.

Gus began his coaching career in high school where he instilled the values of hard work, faith, and blaming your coordinators. From there he found his way to be offensive coordinator at Auburn in 2009 with a unique offensive scheme dubbed “Wait Until Cam Newton is Your Quarterback and then Win a Championship.” It worked to perfection and Auburn won a National Championship fair and square, no ifs or buts about it.

The 2017 season will mark Malzahn’s fifth year at Auburn, and should give him plenty of time to figure out what high school he will return to coaching at.

Meet the Coaches: Ed Orgeron, LSU

Ed Orgeron enters the 2017 season as head coach of the LSU Tigers for some reason. Coaching at LSU has always been a dream for Orgeron because he himself is an amalgamation of every person who has ever gone to a game in Bato Rouge. Orgeron is known by the nickname Coach O because of the amount of SEC Championships he has won.

Before coming to LSU, Coach O was interim Head Coach at USC, but decided to leave Los Angeles because no gumbo place was open past 2am. He then ended up as the interim head coach at LSU after Les Miles overdosed on grass. Orgeron is already preparing for his next interim coaching job once this full time gig at LSU is over.

Coach O was named the full-time Head Coach in late 2016 after the job was turned down by Tom Herman, Jimbo Fisher, John Gruden, Chip Kelly, Dabo Swinney, Bill Parcells, Phil Jackson, and probably Lane Kiffin.