Category Archives: Meet the Coaches

Meet the Coaches: Matt Luke, Ole Miss

The 2017 Ole Rebels are coached by Matt Luke, just as God in his infinite wisdom intended. Matt Luke is more than ready to take on the role of head coach after learning from Hugh Freeze exactly how to ……..[REDACTED]……….

Luke is an alumnus of Ole Miss and played quarterback for the Rebels during whatever the opposite of Glory Days is. He then went on to become the Offensive Line coach for Ole Miss under Hugh Freeze; protecting both the quarterback and his own name from NCAA investigations.

Matt Luke plans to make the most of his few months in Oxford as head coach by making sure he’s a name you only barely remember a few years from now.

Meet the Coaches: Dan Mullen, Mississppi State

Dan Mullen returns to Starkville as head coach of Mississippi State for the 2017 season. This will be Mullen’s ninth year as head coach of the Bulldogs, even though he’s still best known for coaching Tim Tebow for those few years. During his time as head coach, Mullen has brought Mississippi State to incredible new heights such as being in National Championship contention for a few weeks that one year.

Mullen has earned a reputation at both Florida and Mississippi State for his ability to develop NFL quarterbacks, as well as below average minor league baseball players.

In 2017, Mullen hopes to continue to ride off that one pretty good season a few years ago, as well as to try and get Dak Prescott to return one of his phone calls.

Meet the Coaches: Bret Bielema, Arkansas

The Arkansas Razorbacks are coached by true southerner Bret Bielema. Bielema is a one-of-a-kind coach in the SEC, known for his brash style off the field and his extremely boring style on it. In his five years with the Razorbacks, Bielema has proudly led his team to not last place on more than one occasion.

Bielema formerly was the head coach of Wisconsin, before he wisely decided to trade in competitive seasons and New Years Day bowls for the opportunity to lose to Alabama by less than 30 points a few times. Through his experience at Wisconsin, Bielema was able to bring to Arkansas the signature Big 10 styles of play such as run heavy offenses and embarrassing losses to SEC teams.

In his fifth year at Arkansas, Bielema is ecstatic for the chance to remind the SEC that his team is not as bad Vanderbilt or Mississippi State.

Meet the Coaches: Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M

Texas A&M heads into the 2017 season led by Kevin Sumlin. In his six years at A&M, Sumlin has become renowned for his ability to win big games and force quarterbacks to transfer. During Sumlin’s reign, the Aggies have pulled off memorable victories over the titans of college football like Alabama and Duke.

Prior to A&M, Sumlin was the head coach at the University of Houston where he perfected the art of seeming like a good coach on the surface, while concealing the multitude of deeply entrenched problems within his program just long enough to leave town.

Sumlin heads into the 2017 season with the desire to prove to the world that Texas A&M truly deserves its place as the fourth best team in the SEC West, and that last years appearance in the Texas Bowl was no fluke.

Meet the Coaches: Nick Saban, Alabama

Before all the national championships and multi-million dollar contracts, Nick Saban was just a little boy from Fairmont, West Virginia that would make his teachers cry with fear at the thought of reprimanding him. Mr. Saban, as he was known by his close childhood friends, would love to spend his Recess scolding fellow classmates for improper foursquare techniques. As he got older, Saban’s parents recognized the remarkable abilities their son had and decided to guide him towards a career that would truly improve the lives of the people of West Virginia, coaching football.

Prior to becoming Head Coach at Alabama, you might be surprised to know that Nick Saban coached at a few other, much lesser program. He was first hired at Toledo, but left during halftime of their first game when he heard Michigan State might be hiring. At Michigan State, Saban had a few good seasons, but prevented the Spartans from being too good in order to keep anyone from thinking the Big 10 was a real football conference.

Nick Saban first entered the SEC as head coach of LSU and actually tried to coach for real. He promptly won a National Championship. A few years later, Saban once again left town. This time, to coach the Miami Dolphins where he smartly decided to not do a very good job so that Alabama would hire him. Today, Saban is 100% fully committed to the people of Alabama and will never, ever, leave them.

Meet the Coaches: Jim McElwain, Florida

The head coach of the Florida Gators is Jim McElwain. McElwain goes by the nickname Coach Mac because that’s the name of the conference he should be coaching in. McElwain is entering his third year as head coach of the Gators, having made history as the only coach to ever make it to the championship game twice while still somehow being really bad.

McElwain came to prominence by being offensive coordinator at Alabama during the high powered John Parker Wilson days, and became very successful at never looking Nick Saban directly in the eyes. From there he went on to coach at Colorado State where the Gators were so impressed with his 22-16 record that they had no choice but to hire him.

Heading into the 2017 season, McElwain is still looking for the excuse as to why his offense isn’t very good this year but should be much better next.

Meet the Coaches: Gus Malzahn, Auburn

Gus Malzahn is the current(?) head coach of the Auburn Tigers. In his time leading the Tigers, he has seen them go from being one drive away from the National Championship to being pretty bad for three straight years.

Gus began his coaching career in high school where he instilled the values of hard work, faith, and blaming your coordinators. From there he found his way to be offensive coordinator at Auburn in 2009 with a unique offensive scheme dubbed “Wait Until Cam Newton is Your Quarterback and then Win a Championship.” It worked to perfection and Auburn won a National Championship fair and square, no ifs or buts about it.

The 2017 season will mark Malzahn’s fifth year at Auburn, and should give him plenty of time to figure out what high school he will return to coaching at.

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