Category Archives: Florida

How Each SEC Fan Base is Getting Ready for Week 1

Posted on by Leave a comment

One of the things that makes the SEC the best football conference in America, besides of course the total lack of interest in any monetary support for non-football activities, is the unique traditions that each school retains. From War Eagle to running through the T, these traditions make each SEC school special. Except for Arkansas.

What you may not know is that each school also has their own set of traditions for Week 1 of the college football season to help get their fans and players ready for the week ahead. So let’s look at what each SEC fan base is doing this week to get ready for their first game.

Alabama 

In Tuscaloosa, football season doesn’t start until each Bama fan receives a handwritten note from Nick Saban explaining in detail what is expected from them this upcoming year and to pretend to act like their regular season losses matter so no one catches on. If the note isn’t signed, notarized, and returned to Saban by the first game, then he will personally see to it that you aren’t allowed inside Bryant-Denny ever again.

Auburn

Auburn fans are beginning this season the way they always have, by the annual praise of Gus Malzahn as a world class head coach. This of course turns into the annual mid-season tradition of trying to get Gus Malzahn fired. Which then turns into the annual end of the year tradition of desperately hoping Gus Malzahn decides to return next year. If you’ve never visited an Auburn message board to see this tradition occur first hand, it is an absolute must.

auburn fans.jpg

Auburn fans trying to remember whether or not they like Gus

 

Arkansas 

Brett Bielema started a very fun pre-season tradition for Razorback fans, which is when they gather together in mid-August and discuss what it would be like to score more than two touchdowns in a single game. It lets their fans use all of their imagination and really helps them forget about things for awhile.

Florida 

Florida fans start every year with the awe-inspiring tradition of going to YouTube, clicking the search bar, and typing in “Florida Gators 2006-2009 highlights.” Remember when Tim Tebow jumped in the air and threw a pass at the same time? Remember when Gator linebackers practiced proper technique, like when Brandon Spikes tried to rip a Georgia player’s eye out of the socket? Remember when the SEC title games were so intense that your coach might actually die if you lose? Good times, good times

Georgia 

Georgia fans prepare for the upcoming year by spending the entire month of August communicating only through barks. If you’ve never been to Athens in the late summer, you may have never realized this tradition takes place, but it’s a powerful one that culminates in a midnight seance to attempt to speak to past UGAs. So far this year they have not heard from any deceased mascots, but they were able to conjure the ghost of Rodrigo Blankenship.

Kentucky

In Kentucky, football season kicks off when Mark Stoops is able to sneak into John Calipari’s office to find any money laying around that they can use to fund the program for another year. This year, they were able to lure Calipari out of his office by starting a rumor that Drake was thinking of becoming a Duke fan.

LSU 

Tiger fans spend the week leading up to the first game by taking sledgehammers to their livers to prepare their bodies for what they will have to endure this season. Last year, LSU supporters thought their bodies were properly prepared for alcohol consumption during games, but when they saw the product Orgeron put on the field, they knew they were not even close. They hope abusing their livers this week will at least make them numb enough to last through the Miami game.

lsu fans

LSU fans are ecstatic for another year of Coach O

Mississippi State 

In Starkville, the season begins when fans go to various local music stores to get their cowbells tuned. If the cowbell doesn’t match to the exact tune of a 7-6 season with an appearance in the TaxSlayer Bowl, then it’s not ready and needs to be re-done. The only people qualified to tune an official Mississippi State cowbells are certified professionals who know why it’s called The Egg Bowl.

Missouri

Mizzou fans start the year by daydreaming about how different it all would be if they were still in the Big12 and then by reminding ambivalent SEC fans to not forget that they made it to two Championship games in a row when they first entered the league. The tradition concludes by explaining why they actually have a pretty good shot of beating Vanderbilt and Kentucky this year.

Ole Miss 

There’s a new tradition in Oxford that was started by Hugh Freeze where right before the season begins, Ole Miss fans have to Google whether or not they are eligible for a bowl and how many scholarships they are allowed to have. It may be new, but it is certainly as exciting as any tradition you’ll find throughout the conference.

olemissfans

Ole Miss fans after they Google their program

Texas A&M

In Aggieland, every day is nothing but a series of endless traditions that have been around for 100 years but seem to have no real meaning or effect. Nevertheless, A&M is as excited to perform them as ever, and Jimbo Fisher is even more excited to find a way to avoid participating in them.

Tennessee

There really is no off-season for football at Tennessee, as the program is just a constant 24/7 crisis whether they are playing games or not. But there is one clear cut sign that football is on it’s way in Knoxville, which is when God sheds a single tear that lands in the Tennessee River and lets Volunteer fans know it’s time to tailgate again.

South Carolina

Football season really kicks off for Gamecock nation when they see their name in the “Also receiving votes” section of the Top 25. That hype is enough to carry them all the way through New Year’s Day when they play in probably the Outback Bowl against probably Iowa.

Vanderbilt

Football season?

 

Jim McElwain Excited to Begin New Career Racing Sharks on Discovery Channel

Posted on by Leave a comment

After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.

“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.

Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.

Gators Prepare to Run Hail Mary Only Offense

Posted on by One comment

After shocking Tennesse on the final play of the game with a 60-yard touchdown pass for the win, Jim McElwain and the Florida Gators have decided to install a full Hail Mary only offense ahead of this weekend’s game against Kentucky. It may seem like a risky strategy, but for the Gators, it’s about the only real thing they’ve proven they can do.

“I tried running a balanced offense with route patterns and run schemes, but that didn’t seem to work,” said offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. “So now I’m just gonna tell Tyrie Cleveland to run really fast and tell Feleipe Franks to throw it really long, and we’ll just see what happens.” The Gators are calling it the jailbreak offense in honor of all of their suspended players.

Meanwhile, Kentucky coach Mark Stoops is fully aware of the Gator’s plan to score points on Saturday and has a plan to stop it. “I mean as long as we don’t completely shit our pants and run the wrong direction like Tennessee did, I think we’ll be OK.”

Governor Issues State of Emergency for Those Planning to Watch Florida vs Tennessee

Posted on by Leave a comment

After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”

 

It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.

 

“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.

Gator Fans Hoping Hurricane Winds Will Make Their Quarterbacks More Accurate

Posted on by Leave a comment

As Hurricane Irma bears down on the southeastern United States, some at the Universtiy of Florida are viewing it as a positive. “We’ve seen that our quarterbacks can’t throw in perfect conditions, so maybe adding hurricane force winds will make them more accurate,” says Gators fan Trey Pollen. “If Malik Zarie throws a screen pass with 140 mph winds at his back, it may have a chance of reaching the running back.”

However, others at UF, including head coach Jim McElwain, aren’t so sure. “Our offense strives on precision, and if we lose a day or more of practice then there’s a chance we may not be able to score three points again.”

Only time will tell how the hurricane will affect the Gators, but fans can only hope for the positive. “Honestly, a once-in-a-generation storm may be the perfect recipe to whip this team into shape. Certainly a better chance of this hurricane doing it than our offensive coordinator.”

University of Florida Gators Football Fall Practice 2017

Florida Gators quarterback Malik Zaire as the Gators run through practice drills during the Gators second fall practice of the 2017 season. August 4th, 2017. Gator Country photo by David Bowie.

Previews and Predictions for the SEC in Week 1

Posted on by Leave a comment

Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered.  We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.

            Alabama vs FSU

Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point

want bama

            Florida vs Michigan

Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed

 

            Tennessee vs Ga Tech

Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic

BUTCH JONES SAD color

            South Carolina vs NC State

It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter

 

            Texas A&M vs UCLA

Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.