After “agreeing” to part ways with the Florida Gators, Jim McElwain was happy to land on his feet and quickly find his next new job racing sharks on the Discovery Channel. Some might think that getting the opportunity to be the head coach at one of the nation’s premier football programs would be the culmination of a dream come true, but for McElwain, it was just a stepping stone to get what he really wanted: in the pool with a beautiful, beautiful shark.
“You know what the best thing about sharks is?” McElwain asked the media on his way out of the office for the final time. “They’ll never threaten to kill you.” Meanwhile, University of Florida Athletic Director Scott Stricklin was asked if he was sad to see McElwain leave, and responded with only repeated and extended laughter.
Unfortunately for McElwain, however, he was shocked and disappointed to discover the sharks he would be racing on TV would simply be CGI representations and not the real thing. “I’ve spent the last three years losing in almost every opponent possible, but I’m not about to lose to a computer,” said the former coach. McElwain was supposed to receive training from a team of experts, but they were quickly fired after police uncovered them making fraudulent credit card purchases.
After shocking Tennesse on the final play of the game with a 60-yard touchdown pass for the win, Jim McElwain and the Florida Gators have decided to install a full Hail Mary only offense ahead of this weekend’s game against Kentucky. It may seem like a risky strategy, but for the Gators, it’s about the only real thing they’ve proven they can do.
“I tried running a balanced offense with route patterns and run schemes, but that didn’t seem to work,” said offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. “So now I’m just gonna tell Tyrie Cleveland to run really fast and tell Feleipe Franks to throw it really long, and we’ll just see what happens.” The Gators are calling it the jailbreak offense in honor of all of their suspended players.
Meanwhile, Kentucky coach Mark Stoops is fully aware of the Gator’s plan to score points on Saturday and has a plan to stop it. “I mean as long as we don’t completely shit our pants and run the wrong direction like Tennessee did, I think we’ll be OK.”
After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”
It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.
“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.
As Hurricane Irma bears down on the southeastern United States, some at the Universtiy of Florida are viewing it as a positive. “We’ve seen that our quarterbacks can’t throw in perfect conditions, so maybe adding hurricane force winds will make them more accurate,” says Gators fan Trey Pollen. “If Malik Zarie throws a screen pass with 140 mph winds at his back, it may have a chance of reaching the running back.”
However, others at UF, including head coach Jim McElwain, aren’t so sure. “Our offense strives on precision, and if we lose a day or more of practice then there’s a chance we may not be able to score three points again.”
Only time will tell how the hurricane will affect the Gators, but fans can only hope for the positive. “Honestly, a once-in-a-generation storm may be the perfect recipe to whip this team into shape. Certainly a better chance of this hurricane doing it than our offensive coordinator.”
Florida Gators quarterback Malik Zaire as the Gators run through practice drills during the Gators second fall practice of the 2017 season. August 4th, 2017. Gator Country photo by David Bowie.
Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered. We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.
Alabama vs FSU
Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point
Florida vs Michigan
Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed
Tennessee vs Ga Tech
Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic
South Carolina vs NC State
It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter
Texas A&M vs UCLA
Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.
The head coach of the Florida Gators is Jim McElwain. McElwain goes by the nickname Coach Mac because that’s the name of the conference he should be coaching in. McElwain is entering his third year as head coach of the Gators, having made history as the only coach to ever make it to the championship game twice while still somehow being really bad.
McElwain came to prominence by being offensive coordinator at Alabama during the high powered John Parker Wilson days, and became very successful at never looking Nick Saban directly in the eyes. From there he went on to coach at Colorado State where the Gators were so impressed with his 22-16 record that they had no choice but to hire him.
Heading into the 2017 season, McElwain is still looking for the excuse as to why his offense isn’t very good this year but should be much better next.