After squeaking out a 24-14 win over Nicholls State last week, Texas A&M made a statement to the rest of the world that if you’re a Division II or FCS football team, you better be real careful about playing the Aggies. “Sure, people made fun of us last week for losing a 30-point second half lead,” said A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. “But I think this 10 point win over a mediocre FCS team proves that we are back.”
Nicholls State, on the other hand, left College Station with some big questions to grapple with. “I mean, if we can’t get over the hump against Texas A&M, how are we gonna fare once we start playing real teams?” said Nicholls State’s head coach, whose name was not available online.
Some people may say that Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat, but a one game winning streak over FCS teams in 2017 may be just the ticket Sumlin needs to land a job coaching receivers at UTEP next year.
After a miserable offensive performance last week against Clemson, Gus Malzahn has turned to the only person on the team he can trust – Aubie the Tiger. Starting this week, Aubie will be in the booth calling plays for the Tigers, and keep the rest of the coaching staff far away from any decision making.
“Aubie may be a fictional creature,” said Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs, “but even he would know not to take in one of the nation’s most talented passers and turn him into a spread option quarterback.” It might seem like a desperate move, but for Auburn it’s the only way forward. “Yes, we only lost by one score to one of the best teams of the nation. But, as our fans say, our only hope now is to get Chip Kelly to like us.”
Since taking over as play caller, Aubie has added a lot more pointing, flexing, and dancing to the playbook. It is unclear how these methods will impact the offense, but at least it’s better than giving up 11 sacks.
Before all the national championships and multi-million dollar contracts, Nick Saban was just a little boy from Fairmont, West Virginia that would make his teachers cry with fear at the thought of reprimanding him. Mr. Saban, as he was known by his close childhood friends, would love to spend his Recess scolding fellow classmates for improper foursquare techniques. As he got older, Saban’s parents recognized the remarkable abilities their son had and decided to guide him towards a career that would truly improve the lives of the people of West Virginia, coaching football.
Prior to becoming Head Coach at Alabama, you might be surprised to know that Nick Saban coached at a few other, much lesser program. He was first hired at Toledo, but left during halftime of their first game when he heard Michigan State might be hiring. At Michigan State, Saban had a few good seasons, but prevented the Spartans from being too good in order to keep anyone from thinking the Big 10 was a real football conference.
Nick Saban first entered the SEC as head coach of LSU and actually tried to coach for real. He promptly won a National Championship. A few years later, Saban once again left town. This time, to coach the Miami Dolphins where he smartly decided to not do a very good job so that Alabama would hire him. Today, Saban is 100% fully committed to the people of Alabama and will never, ever, leave them.