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Governor Issues State of Emergency for Those Planning to Watch Florida vs Tennessee

Posted on September 15, 2017 by Houston Barber Leave a comment

After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”

It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.

“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.

Texas A&M Emerging as a Real Threat to Top FCS Teams

Posted on September 14, 2017 by Houston Barber Leave a comment

After squeaking out a 24-14 win over Nicholls State last week, Texas A&M made a statement to the rest of the world that if you’re a Division II or FCS football team, you better be real careful about playing the Aggies. “Sure, people made fun of us last week for losing a 30-point second half lead,” said A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. “But I think this 10 point win over a mediocre FCS team proves that we are back.”

Nicholls State, on the other hand, left College Station with some big questions to grapple with. “I mean, if we can’t get over the hump against Texas A&M, how are we gonna fare once we start playing real teams?” said Nicholls State’s head coach, whose name was not available online.

Some people may say that Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat, but a one game winning streak over FCS teams in 2017 may be just the ticket Sumlin needs to land a job coaching receivers at UTEP next year.

Auburn to Send Aubie in the Booth to Call Plays

Posted on September 12, 2017 by Houston Barber Leave a comment

After a miserable offensive performance last week against Clemson, Gus Malzahn has turned to the only person on the team he can trust – Aubie the Tiger. Starting this week, Aubie will be in the booth calling plays for the Tigers, and keep the rest of the coaching staff far away from any decision making.

“Aubie may be a fictional creature,” said Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs, “but even he would know not to take in one of the nation’s most talented passers and turn him into a spread option quarterback.” It might seem like a desperate move, but for Auburn it’s the only way forward. “Yes, we only lost by one score to one of the best teams of the nation. But, as our fans say, our only hope now is to get Chip Kelly to like us.”

Since taking over as play caller, Aubie has added a lot more pointing, flexing, and dancing to the playbook. It is unclear how these methods will impact the offense, but at least it’s better than giving up 11 sacks.

Butch Jones Hopes to Inspire Offense with Giant Toilet Bowl on Sidelines

Posted on September 7, 2017 by Houston Barber Leave a comment

During Tennessee’s come from behind victory over Georgia Tech, the Volunteers used a trash can on the sidelines to inspire their defense to get turnovers. Now, Butch Jones hopes to do the same with the offense by having one of his coaches hold up a giant toilet bowl on the sidelines every time his team has the bowl.

“Every time I look over on our sidelines and see that giant bowl of shit, it really reminds me of our team’s potential,” said new Tennessee quarterback Quinten Dormady. In accordance with the new team tradition, every time the offense ends a successful drive, either by scoring a long touchdown or just not embarrassing the entire state, an offensive player gets to flush the ball down the toilet.

“I think this is a great tradition for our team, and one the fans can really get behind. Most Tennessee fans have a few empty toilet bowls strewn on their front yard, so it’s super convenient for them to participate at home.”

Rest of SEC Tries Shooting Players in Leg to Replicate Alabama

Posted on September 7, 2017 by Houston Barber Leave a comment

After the success of Alabama’s Raekwon Davis on the field just days after being shot in the leg, coaches across the SEC are trying the tactic on their own players. “If it works for Nick Saban, it’ll work for me,” said Georgia coach Kirby Smart. “I mean I’ve copied my entire unlikeable personality after his, might as well shoot somebody.”

At Tennessee, Butch Jones thought about shooting his players, but he figured forcing someone to play under him was punishment enough. It was reported that Jim McElwain tried to get one of his quarterbacks to shoot a teammate in the leg, but all of them missed.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get my players to perform like Alabama’s players,” said Kevin Sumlin. “Except of course teach them discipline and fundamentals.”