It’s no secret that being a head coach in the SEC is a demanding job, even for Butch Jones. The Tennessee head coach spent all of last night awake in his office preparing for this weekend’s game against Alabama, and strategizing how to embarrass his own fan base in ways they never saw coming.
“It’s not enough just to get blown out anymore,” said Jones while giving media a sneak peek at his game preparation in his office located in the back of an Arby’s. “I have to figure out a way to make our fans miserable in ways they never even thought possible.” Jones then referenced his whiteboard filled with potential quotes to use during the post-game interview such as ‘We had more fun out there and that’s what counts’ or ‘Our band sounded much better so I count this a victory for us.’
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that John Gruden may be next in line to coach the Volunteers. Reached for comment, Gruden said “I tell you what man, this Butch Jones guy looks like one hell of a coach. He can’t coach at all but he certainly looks like one.”
After recovering from the effects of a devastating hurricane, Florida governor Rick Scott has another potential disaster on the horizon – this weekend’s game between Florida and Tennessee. “The entire state is still recovering from the disaster of Hurricane Irma, the last thing we need is for millions of our citizens to suffer through two dreadful teams punting the ball back and forth for four hours,” said Governor Rick Scott. “That’s why I am issuing this state of emergency, as well as a mandatory evacuation order for those planning to have the game on their tv.”
It’s no secret that both Florida and Tennessee fans have had some miserable experiences the last few years, and cramming them both together in a stadium while watching the kind of football these two teams typically play is a recipe for catastrophe.
“The only thing worse than watching the roof of my house get blown off would be watching Malik Zaire get put in during the second half again,” said Gator fan Duncan Straw. It’s too early to tell what damage may be left in the wake of Saturday’s game, but it’s certainly going to be enough to make the rest of the country tune out after the first quarter.
During Tennessee’s come from behind victory over Georgia Tech, the Volunteers used a trash can on the sidelines to inspire their defense to get turnovers. Now, Butch Jones hopes to do the same with the offense by having one of his coaches hold up a giant toilet bowl on the sidelines every time his team has the bowl.
“Every time I look over on our sidelines and see that giant bowl of shit, it really reminds me of our team’s potential,” said new Tennessee quarterback Quinten Dormady. In accordance with the new team tradition, every time the offense ends a successful drive, either by scoring a long touchdown or just not embarrassing the entire state, an offensive player gets to flush the ball down the toilet.
“I think this is a great tradition for our team, and one the fans can really get behind. Most Tennessee fans have a few empty toilet bowls strewn on their front yard, so it’s super convenient for them to participate at home.”
Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered. We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.
Alabama vs FSU
Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point
Florida vs Michigan
Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed
Tennessee vs Ga Tech
Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic
South Carolina vs NC State
It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter
Texas A&M vs UCLA
Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.