Category Archives: SEC East

Gator Fans Hoping Hurricane Winds Will Make Their Quarterbacks More Accurate

As Hurricane Irma bears down on the southeastern United States, some at the Universtiy of Florida are viewing it as a positive. “We’ve seen that our quarterbacks can’t throw in perfect conditions, so maybe adding hurricane force winds will make them more accurate,” says Gators fan Trey Pollen. “If Malik Zarie throws a screen pass with 140 mph winds at his back, it may have a chance of reaching the running back.”

However, others at UF, including head coach Jim McElwain, aren’t so sure. “Our offense strives on precision, and if we lose a day or more of practice then there’s a chance we may not be able to score three points again.”

Only time will tell how the hurricane will affect the Gators, but fans can only hope for the positive. “Honestly, a once-in-a-generation storm may be the perfect recipe to whip this team into shape. Certainly a better chance of this hurricane doing it than our offensive coordinator.”

University of Florida Gators Football Fall Practice 2017

Florida Gators quarterback Malik Zaire as the Gators run through practice drills during the Gators second fall practice of the 2017 season. August 4th, 2017. Gator Country photo by David Bowie.

Georgia Fans Spending All Week Trying to Find Notre Dame on a Map

As their monster game against Notre Dame draws closer, Georgia fans are beginning to experience one big problem…what state is Notre Dame? “Every team we play is pretty easy to find,” said Bulldog fan Teddy Binsfield. “We playing South Carolina? We drive to South Carolina. We playing Tennessee? We drive to Tennessee.  Nowhere on this map is there a state called Notre Dame.”

It’s an unusual problem for Georgia fans, who most think anywhere north of Kentucky is Canada. “I haven’t renewed my passport since my trip to New Mexico in the 1980’s, better see if I can get a new one real quick,” said Teddy.

Officials at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, France have already reported sights of very confused Georgia fans. One family of Bulldog supporters reportedly walked into The Louvre and asked if this was where Rudy lived.

Butch Jones Hopes to Inspire Offense with Giant Toilet Bowl on Sidelines

During Tennessee’s come from behind victory over Georgia Tech, the Volunteers used a trash can on the sidelines to inspire their defense to get turnovers. Now, Butch Jones hopes to do the same with the offense by having one of his coaches hold up a giant toilet bowl on the sidelines every time his team has the bowl.

“Every time I look over on our sidelines and see that giant bowl of shit, it really reminds me of our team’s potential,” said new Tennessee quarterback Quinten Dormady. In accordance with the new team tradition, every time the offense ends a successful drive, either by scoring a long touchdown or just not embarrassing the entire state, an offensive player gets to flush the ball down the toilet.

“I think this is a great tradition for our team, and one the fans can really get behind. Most Tennessee fans have a few empty toilet bowls strewn on their front yard, so it’s super convenient for them to participate at home.”

Previews and Predictions for the SEC in Week 1

Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered.  We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.

            Alabama vs FSU

Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point

want bama

            Florida vs Michigan

Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed

 

            Tennessee vs Ga Tech

Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic

BUTCH JONES SAD color

            South Carolina vs NC State

It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter

 

            Texas A&M vs UCLA

Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.

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