During last night’s Alabama football radio call-in show with head coach Nick Saban, Coach Saban took the opportunity to ridicule a small child for calling in and asking a bad question. “I don’t have time to entertain your ridiculous questions,” Saban told 8-year-old Tommy Chaire. “This game against Vanderbilt is more important than anything that has happened in your insignificant little life, and I would appreciate you showing a bit more respect.”
The question Tommy asked that prompted this response seemed to be an innocent one: “Coach Saban, how many touchdowns do you think we will score this week?” But the coach did not seem to take it so innocently. “Do you think it’s just easy to score touchdowns? Have you ever watched a football game in your damn life?”
The call-in show usually lasts an hour, but Saban walked off the set of the show after just 20 minutes because he was so aggravated by the child’s question. Saban then drove to Tommy’s parent’s house to continue to berate the boy in person. “Sorry, but we’re trying to beat Vanderbilt here,” Saban told Tommy’s mom and dad. “And if we win by anything less than 50 points than it will be your child’s fault.”
After the success of Alabama’s Raekwon Davis on the field just days after being shot in the leg, coaches across the SEC are trying the tactic on their own players. “If it works for Nick Saban, it’ll work for me,” said Georgia coach Kirby Smart. “I mean I’ve copied my entire unlikeable personality after his, might as well shoot somebody.”
At Tennessee, Butch Jones thought about shooting his players, but he figured forcing someone to play under him was punishment enough. It was reported that Jim McElwain tried to get one of his quarterbacks to shoot a teammate in the leg, but all of them missed.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get my players to perform like Alabama’s players,” said Kevin Sumlin. “Except of course teach them discipline and fundamentals.”
Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered. We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.
Alabama vs FSU
Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point
Florida vs Michigan
Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed
Tennessee vs Ga Tech
Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic
South Carolina vs NC State
It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter
Texas A&M vs UCLA
Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.
Before all the national championships and multi-million dollar contracts, Nick Saban was just a little boy from Fairmont, West Virginia that would make his teachers cry with fear at the thought of reprimanding him. Mr. Saban, as he was known by his close childhood friends, would love to spend his Recess scolding fellow classmates for improper foursquare techniques. As he got older, Saban’s parents recognized the remarkable abilities their son had and decided to guide him towards a career that would truly improve the lives of the people of West Virginia, coaching football.
Prior to becoming Head Coach at Alabama, you might be surprised to know that Nick Saban coached at a few other, much lesser program. He was first hired at Toledo, but left during halftime of their first game when he heard Michigan State might be hiring. At Michigan State, Saban had a few good seasons, but prevented the Spartans from being too good in order to keep anyone from thinking the Big 10 was a real football conference.
Nick Saban first entered the SEC as head coach of LSU and actually tried to coach for real. He promptly won a National Championship. A few years later, Saban once again left town. This time, to coach the Miami Dolphins where he smartly decided to not do a very good job so that Alabama would hire him. Today, Saban is 100% fully committed to the people of Alabama and will never, ever, leave them.