Author Archives: Houston Barber

Texas A&M Emerging as a Real Threat to Top FCS Teams

Posted on by Leave a comment

After squeaking out a 24-14 win over Nicholls State last week, Texas A&M made a statement to the rest of the world that if you’re a Division II or FCS football team, you better be real careful about playing the Aggies. “Sure, people made fun of us last week for losing a 30-point second half lead,” said A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. “But I think this 10 point win over a mediocre FCS team proves that we are back.”

Nicholls State, on the other hand, left College Station with some big questions to grapple with. “I mean, if we can’t get over the hump against Texas A&M, how are we gonna fare once we start playing real teams?” said Nicholls State’s head coach, whose name was not available online.

Some people may say that Kevin Sumlin is on the hot seat, but a one game winning streak over FCS teams in 2017 may be just the ticket Sumlin needs to land a job coaching receivers at UTEP next year.

Auburn to Send Aubie in the Booth to Call Plays

Posted on by Leave a comment

After a miserable offensive performance last week against Clemson, Gus Malzahn has turned to the only person on the team he can trust – Aubie the Tiger. Starting this week, Aubie will be in the booth calling plays for the Tigers, and keep the rest of the coaching staff far away from any decision making.

“Aubie may be a fictional creature,” said Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs, “but even he would know not to take in one of the nation’s most talented passers and turn him into a spread option quarterback.” It might seem like a desperate move, but for Auburn it’s the only way forward. “Yes, we only lost by one score to one of the best teams of the nation. But, as our fans say, our only hope now is to get Chip Kelly to like us.”

Since taking over as play caller, Aubie has added a lot more pointing, flexing, and dancing to the playbook. It is unclear how these methods will impact the offense, but at least it’s better than giving up 11 sacks.

Kevin Sumlin Gets Through Two Hours of Lord of the Rings, Falls Asleep Before Finishing

Posted on by Leave a comment

After excitedly buying the Blu-ray of the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition, Kevin Sumlin fell asleep with just twenty minutes left in the movie. “I thought my effort in the first half of the movie was great – I was really alert and defied a lot of expectations. Unfortunately, in the last part of the movie, I just let it slip away from me,” Sumlin said as he somberly addressed his family the next morning.

           The recent incident is just one of many similar situations Sumlin has found himself in recently. Last fall, Sumlin binge watched all of Stranger Things in one day and was on a roll. Many thought it would be a monumental achievement for him, but right before the season finale, he dozed off and left the series unfinished.

           The Sumlin situation has gotten so bad that a member of the Texas A&M Board of Regents took to Facebook to complain. “If Kevin Sumlin can’t finish Lord of the Rings even with a huge head start, I don’t know why we continue to pay his HBO Go membership.”

Sumlin

 

Gator Fans Hoping Hurricane Winds Will Make Their Quarterbacks More Accurate

Posted on by Leave a comment

As Hurricane Irma bears down on the southeastern United States, some at the Universtiy of Florida are viewing it as a positive. “We’ve seen that our quarterbacks can’t throw in perfect conditions, so maybe adding hurricane force winds will make them more accurate,” says Gators fan Trey Pollen. “If Malik Zarie throws a screen pass with 140 mph winds at his back, it may have a chance of reaching the running back.”

However, others at UF, including head coach Jim McElwain, aren’t so sure. “Our offense strives on precision, and if we lose a day or more of practice then there’s a chance we may not be able to score three points again.”

Only time will tell how the hurricane will affect the Gators, but fans can only hope for the positive. “Honestly, a once-in-a-generation storm may be the perfect recipe to whip this team into shape. Certainly a better chance of this hurricane doing it than our offensive coordinator.”

University of Florida Gators Football Fall Practice 2017

Florida Gators quarterback Malik Zaire as the Gators run through practice drills during the Gators second fall practice of the 2017 season. August 4th, 2017. Gator Country photo by David Bowie.

Georgia Fans Spending All Week Trying to Find Notre Dame on a Map

Posted on by Leave a comment

As their monster game against Notre Dame draws closer, Georgia fans are beginning to experience one big problem…what state is Notre Dame? “Every team we play is pretty easy to find,” said Bulldog fan Teddy Binsfield. “We playing South Carolina? We drive to South Carolina. We playing Tennessee? We drive to Tennessee.  Nowhere on this map is there a state called Notre Dame.”

It’s an unusual problem for Georgia fans, who most think anywhere north of Kentucky is Canada. “I haven’t renewed my passport since my trip to New Mexico in the 1980’s, better see if I can get a new one real quick,” said Teddy.

Officials at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, France have already reported sights of very confused Georgia fans. One family of Bulldog supporters reportedly walked into The Louvre and asked if this was where Rudy lived.

Butch Jones Hopes to Inspire Offense with Giant Toilet Bowl on Sidelines

Posted on by Leave a comment

During Tennessee’s come from behind victory over Georgia Tech, the Volunteers used a trash can on the sidelines to inspire their defense to get turnovers. Now, Butch Jones hopes to do the same with the offense by having one of his coaches hold up a giant toilet bowl on the sidelines every time his team has the bowl.

“Every time I look over on our sidelines and see that giant bowl of shit, it really reminds me of our team’s potential,” said new Tennessee quarterback Quinten Dormady. In accordance with the new team tradition, every time the offense ends a successful drive, either by scoring a long touchdown or just not embarrassing the entire state, an offensive player gets to flush the ball down the toilet.

“I think this is a great tradition for our team, and one the fans can really get behind. Most Tennessee fans have a few empty toilet bowls strewn on their front yard, so it’s super convenient for them to participate at home.”

Rest of SEC Tries Shooting Players in Leg to Replicate Alabama

Posted on by Leave a comment

After the success of Alabama’s Raekwon Davis on the field just days after being shot in the leg, coaches across the SEC are trying the tactic on their own players. “If it works for Nick Saban, it’ll work for me,” said Georgia coach Kirby Smart. “I mean I’ve copied my entire unlikeable personality after his, might as well shoot somebody.”

At Tennessee, Butch Jones thought about shooting his players, but he figured forcing someone to play under him was punishment enough. It was reported that Jim McElwain tried to get one of his quarterbacks to shoot a teammate in the leg, but all of them missed.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get my players to perform like Alabama’s players,” said Kevin Sumlin. “Except of course teach them discipline and fundamentals.”

bama gun final

Previews and Predictions for the SEC in Week 1

Posted on by Leave a comment

Each week, we will take the five best SEC games and tell you what you need to know about them. Whether it’s a coach on the hot seat (Butch Jones) or the name of someone who we all will be making fun of next week (probably also Butch Jones), this preview will keep you covered.  We’ll also give you a prediction of one thing you can guarantee will happen.

            Alabama vs FSU

Nick Saban hasn’t eaten solid food since he lost the National Championship game, choosing to only slurp his sustenance through a straw to stay focused. A loss here would result in a two game losing streak for the Tide and a serious existential crisis for those in and around Tuscaloosa. If you thought tensions in the South were high already, wait until there’s a reason to question Alabama football. For the sake of the tranquility of our nation, we all must root for Bama to win this game. Prediction: An Alabama kicker will most definitely get booed off the field at some point

want bama

            Florida vs Michigan

Florida enters their season opener against Michigan with an incredibly talented group of suspended players. The rest of their team is pretty alright. The Gators will start Feleipe Franks at quarterback, but it remains to be seen which Big 10 backup transfer will be starting for them by the end of the year. Expect a lot of exciting plays from this game – as long as your definition of exciting is drag routes and safe throws out of bounds. Prediction: Any interaction between McElwain and Harbaugh will be the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever witnessed

 

            Tennessee vs Ga Tech

Defending champion* Tennessee comes into this game with a lot to prove. Many in the media are picking Georgia or Florida to win the East simply because both those teams have vastly superior players and coaches. But the Volunteers have defied expectations in the past (when the expectations were good), so why not again? Tech’s triple-option attack will give Tennessee a lot to prepare for, but if any coach can get his team prepared it’s Butch…oh they’re screwed. Prediction: Rocky Top will be played so much that it will begin to sound sarcastic

BUTCH JONES SAD color

            South Carolina vs NC State

It’s the neutral-site game that everyone forgot about. Things actually went pretty ok for Will Muschamp at South Carolina last year, which can only mean that something horrible is about to happen. The best news for Gamecock fans is that they have a young quarterback they can be confident in, and with Muschamp’s long history of developing promising young QBs, what can go wrong? Look for Muschamp to fully explore the boundaries of the strict coaching conduct penalty rules this year. Prediction: Jake Bentley will begin to consider his transfer option by the third quarter

 

            Texas A&M vs UCLA

Both of these coaches are on such thin ice that you might as well play this game on the polar caps after centuries of mass carbon pollution. Instead, it will be played at UCLA’s home field, the Rose Bowl. So the best advice for A&M fans is to really soak it in and take a good look because, you know, it’ll probably be awhile. On the bright side, it should be fun for A&M fans to see a bunch of former quarterback commits shining at other programs throughout the country this season. This game is on Sunday so prepare to watch this one hungover while complaining about the field being too bright. Prediction: Even after watching the game you won’t be able to name one player on UCLA other than Josh Rosen.

Meet the Coaches: Lane Kiffin, Ole Miss

Posted on by Leave a comment

The 2021 Ole Miss Rebels are coached by noted gentleman Lane Kiffin, just as God in his infinite wisdom intended. It’s no secret the Ole Miss program was in a precarious position after the disastrous end of the Hugh Freeze era, with human crash dummy Matt Luke left to pick over the pieces. So of course, when you’re looking to reshape the image of your proud program, you only have one choice: hire Lane Kiffin.

Kiffin came to Ole Miss by way of USC, and then the Raiders, and then Tennessee, and then USC again, and then Alabama…oh no I’ve gone crosseyed. But Kiffin is a new man now and has pledged full loyalty to the Rebels, and promised only to leave if he experiences the slightest bit of success.

Coach Kiffin brings Ole Miss to the 2021 season following a very respectable 5-5 season last year, including victories in three of their last four games. Now were those wins against Vanderbilt, South Carolina, and Mississippi State? Sure. But if you check the conference bylaws, those actually are SEC teams.

Meet the Coaches: Sam Pittman, Arkansas

Posted on by Leave a comment

The Razorbacks are coached by none other than Sam “Arkansas Rick Flair” Pittman. Coach Pittman rides into the 2021 season on a huge wave of momentum after the Razorbacks won three whole SEC games last season. That may not sound like a lot to outsiders, but if he repeats or improves that performance this year, look for Arkansas to forever play games at Sam Pittman Field at Sam Pittman Stadium.

Before coming to Arkansas, Pittman coached the offensive line at the University of Georgia where he was trained in the fine art of finishing just second to Nick Saban – a valuable skill to have in the SEC West. He looks to continue the momentum of the 2020 season by continually reminding the Razorback fan base that at least he’s not Chad Morris

In his second year at Arkansas, Pittman is ecstatic for the chance to bring some stability to the Arkansas program – and with a Briles running the offense, what can go wrong?

« Older Entries Recent Entries »